tv series everyone is hooked on like heroin but i just dont get:

1. desperate housewives – suburban porn minus the gratuitous sex. which is sad cos that’s the reason viewers tune in epsiode after epsiode, hoping for graphic coitus scenes. certainly not for the thought-provoking, abstruse and complex plot, nosiree. hello folks, it’s in its third season. bottom dollar says not gonna happen. just look forward to more scenes of pushing-fifty teri hatcher running around in her towel/delicates/birthday suit. and that’s how the producers maintan viewership – guess what wardrobe has for her in the next ep?

2. american idol – a singing talent show with neither. if the whole season was edited down to the premise of the show – palatable vocals, we will be left with the credits. and don’t get me started on singapore idol. my last fart had more harmony.

3. csi – after vegas, jerry bruckheimer should be clued in on the fact that there’s only so much bread that itty bitty bit of butter will spread over. the golden-eggs-laying goose wasn’t just killed, it was stuffed, roasted, served and gorged.

4. 24 – the action unfolds in real time. having large bladders must be a pre-requisite for federal agents. i didnt once see kiefer sutherland go to the little boys’ room.

5. grey’s anatomy – bottling the sexual tension and promiscuity in this series could solve the world’s energy crisis. makes you wonder just how sterile hospitals are. especially stairwells, storage areas, call rooms and just about everywhere else behind a door.

6. ER, chicago hope – if these two series had enough material to last ten gajillion episodes between them, just how safe is chicago?

7. alias – whiney, pouty version of peter sellers’ inspector clouseau of pink panther fame. only a lot less funny. jennifer garner should next disguise herself as a tree and leave.

8. charmed – for the most part of first season, perhaps. but in it’s eighth, and having roped in every mythical character from middle earth to mother goose and from dante’s divine comedy to disney’s donald duck, it is now less charming and more ice-pick-in-eye-gougingly painful.

9. prison break – if it takes that long to break out of prison, it probably makes more sense to serve out your sentence.

10. nip tuck – if plastic surgeons have lives these eventful, i’m surprised more cardiologists don’t bogart the bypass-donated hearts for themselves.

11. numbers – obviously targeted at people who can’t count past ten. with the far-fetched idea that cunning use of algebra and differentiation can identify jack-the-ripper, it is amazing more people don’t confuse this with the other equally-riveting fictional series, supernatural. mediacorp listen up, considering the many hairbrain ideas stolen off other shows, this should sprout local spin-off for 4D pundits.

12. law and order – the series that proved those two words don’t go together.

13. oc – there are just so many things wrong i don’t know where to begin. it is so mind-numbingly stupid it made beverly hills 90210 look like it was written by kaufman. everyone is bratty – rich kid screwing hot chick is bratty, rich kid screwing two hot chicks is bratty, even the rich kid screwing hot chick and her mom is bratty. and apparantly it’s contagious cos even the poor kid from the ghetto caught it and all he did for 13 epsiodes was walk around displaying his acting palette of 7 different shades of pout. plots like “let’s sit around and whine about being rich, get drunk and think up new ways to be miserable, as long as it involves sex” almost begs aaron spelling to come back.

14. lost – i thought the series’ title was describing the writers.

15. any local series – the only sensible thing to do when watching these is to flip the channel.

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